Crossroads

2025-04-21

I guess this is one of the few entries here that actually counts as a straight up personal-feelings type of blog.

About a year and a month ago I have set myself a few objectives to strive for in order to essentially put myself back together. It was simple stuff, really. Finding a stable job, moving out, becoming less reliant on family for survival.

2024 was mostly a year of failure. A year ago I was still hellbent on the idea of finding a tech job. I also thought that I would be able to cut myself off completely.

The economy had different ideas. No matter how hard I tried, I could not earn enough to be independant. Matter of fact, I was not even able to find a tech job. The market was simply oversaturated. Even if I had talent, I did not have the marketing skill required (or the self-confidence) to flaunt myself to the point of being noticed among the sea that is the current software developer employee market. Programming always felt like a losing, yet enjoyable battle to me.

So, I quit.

I became a machinist. The pay, at least in europe, is similar, the effort is lesser, and the job market is better. I see machining as a way forward for at least a few years.

I do not want to abandon programming as a skill. I'm not sure if I can not abandon it considering that I have a full time job that is in a nearly entirely unrelated field.

All in all, I am.. elated for the moment. I managed to make positive progress in my life, in the timeframe I set for myself, undergoing massive changees while I was at it.

That being said.

Where do I go from here?

I can't just stand still here. This is not an endgame I want to be in. I still have to work and pay rent and stay on my toes if I want to ensure my survival.

Issue is, I see far too many directions I could be heading in.

A part of me is begging me to turn to the sea. A part of me is begging me to make a homestead, learn to grow my own food. A part of me is thinking of prosperity in business. A part of me is hoping to be an arbiter of change in this world.

Where do I go from here?

I imagine an older self re-reading this, perhaps with a tinge of regret, with hindsight anyhow, laughing at me as he remembers how privileged I was in my freedom of choice.

I hope it's not due to the fact that said freedom was taken forcefully. I hope not that I will be re-reading this from a battlefield, but with things being as they are.. who knows?

I at least have the hindsight of knowing that I operate best with a course set in stone. I don't need a good plan going forward, I just need a plan.

That all felt far too pretentious to publish. I .. don't feel entirely comfortable putting my thoughts out there, just like that, but I feel like this is a relevant step towards me being more trustful of people in general, mistrust itself being a fairly big problem for me.